Saturday was an almost perfect day. I woke gently, next to a warm, cuddly body before I took off with a dear old friend and a lovely new friend for a hike up Mount Gardner on Bowen Island. Sunshine, physical activity, laughs along the trail, amazing views, and shirtless studs at the top of the mountain; it was all too wonderful! [Read more…]
I bought myself a small bouquet of lilies yesterday, an apologetic token for not being there for myself lately. Throughout life, but particularly during the last few years, I’ve learned that at the end of the day, the only person truly invested in my well-being is me. So why did I neglect myself lately? Because it’s the first time in a long time since I’ve tried to be in an intimate relationship with someone else. I’m not used to balancing my time with someone else in mind because I’ve been single for the last two years. I needed that time to focus on healing my body and my spirit from the effects of a difficult run with cancer. I also didn’t feel ready to jump back into something; I need to get into the habit of loving myself more before I could even think of being in another relationship.
In my previous relationships, meeting my needs usually took a back seat to the needs of the other. This is a pattern I noticed in myself, but I thought that since I had cultivated a considerable amount of self-love in these past years, I would not fall back into it. Well, unfortunately, in the short time that I have been with someone else, my pattern of giving in to what the other person wants, even when I know I shouldn’t, has shown up. [Read more…]
One evening during the week I spent in the “Come Alive” program at The Haven we did a guided visualization which took us into our personal “library”. First, we were guided by the facilitator into a relaxed state of mind. She then asked us to enter our library and begin to pull books off the shelf. Inside each book was a memory from our past.
In my first book, there was a memory of a [Read more…]from childhood. This particular Christmas began as usual; our family was together on Christmas morning, my parents sitting on the couch and my sisters and I on the floor opening our gifts with excitement. However, this year, on the day after Christmas, my mother had suddenly disappeared.
When I feel hurt in response to what someone else has said or done, I find myself closing my heart and relating to the other in a harsh manner. I get so stuck in my pain sometimes that I forget others also experience pain.
I’m known to be a bit heartless in my reactions to people after their actions have triggered hurt inside of me. Why I do this, I am not exactly sure, but I know a part of me wants them to feel pain because they “caused” me pain. I sometimes even perceive the other as trying to hurt me, and although sometimes that can be the case, it most often isn’t. [Read more…]
I left his house this morning still a bit frustrated over the mornings difficulties. As I was walking towards the bus stop, I selected David White’s “What to Remember When Waking” audiobook. I chose the chapter on vulnerability. The audio started “Any real conversation involves vulnerability. There is no conversation without vulnerability” then it stopped as the audio suddenly skipped to another file. That’s an interesting place for it to stop, I thought to myself, as I turned it back to David White. I had just spent the morning trying to express what I was feeling. I had been hurt and could not hide my tears. He wanted an explanation. I tried, but didn’t really. [Read more…]